Modern parenting is so stressful that the U.S issued a health advisory. Parents say it's overdue | CBC News (2024)

Parenting these days can often feel like treading water,begging for someone to throw you a rope. But instead of pulling you out, a passerby gives you a high-five and says, "I don't know how you do it all!"

The answer? Poorly, according to many parents.Evidently, the stress is taking a toll.

On Wednesday, the U.S. surgeon generalissued a public health advisory about the impact of modern stresses on parents' mental health. Considering that previoussurgeon general advisories have included the risks of gun violence, andsmoking, the publicispaying attention.

In addition to the traditional challenges of parenting — like protecting children from harmandworrying about finances— there are new stressors that previous generations didn't have to consider, saidSurgeon General Vivek Murthy.

These include social media, the youth mentalhealth crisis, and increased financialstrain as the costof some necessities, like child care, have boomed,he said.

"Guilt and shame have become pervasive, often leading them to hide their struggles, which perpetuates a vicious cycle where stress leads to guilt which leads to more stress,"Murthysaid in his report.

In his advisory,Murthyalso cited datafroma 2023 study from the American Psychological Association(APA)that surveyed 3,185 U.S. adults about post-pandemic stress.

After breaking out responses from people with children under age 18, the APA reported that48 per cent of those parents and caregiversdescribe themselves as completely overwhelmed. Only26 per cent of the non-parents — that is,respondents over age 18 who didn't have children— said the same.

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The parent-specific breakdown also found that 41 per cent said most days they "were so stressed they couldn't function"— double the number reported by non-parents—while 42 per cent said they were so stressed they felt numb.

Numb's a good word for it, said Rebecca Morin, 34, a daycare provider and momliving in Smiths Falls, Ont. Morin has two children,agesfour and six. One has autism, and Morin saysadvocating for her is a full-time job on top of the pressures of daily parenting, the cost of livingand work.

"There's always something to do for the kids. A school fundraiser, a dance fundraiser, Scouts events, family commitmentsand so many other things. Having hobbies is a thing of the past," Morin told CBC News. "I even struggled to take a shower the other day because I was just so completely exhausted.

"We are an extremely stressed-out generation of parents."

Comparisonculture

Part of modern parenting's unique struggles are what the U.S. surgeon general callsour "culture of comparison," propagated by influencers and online trendsthat createunrealistic expectations for parents to pursue.

Parents are inundated withelaborate school lunch ideas, strategies for breaking generational cycles, videos on back-to-school party themesand influencers baking their own goldfish crackers.

"That's the poison. That's pure poison. Comparing to anyone, whether or not you're a parent or have children, is toxic," saidJulie Romanowski, a parenting coach and consultant based in Vancouver.

"Social media is not helping that. It has tanked so many parents' mental health."

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Studies have linked comparing your own parenting to what you see on social networking sites with higher rates of maternal depression, higher cortisol levelsand increasedenvyandanxiety in mothers specifically.

But it's hard not to compare, said Meenakshi Sharma-Vadnais, 35, of Ottawa.

Sharma-Vadnais, a mom of three, says this generation ofparents is overloaded byonline information. She jokes thatas an influencerand parenting blogger, she's part of the problem.

But even though she tries to focus on her own family, and resist the urge to "doom scroll," the stress of parenting, she says,is constant. Even now, just a few months into her maternity leave from her job with the federal government,Sharma-Vadnaissays she's worryingabout herreturn tothe office a yearfrom now.

"Ever since the pandemic I think it's just been one thing after another and I don't feel like we're being supported or even provided with supports or resources," she told CBC News.

"It's just constant, like 'go, go, go.'"

Has parenting really becomeharder?

Many of the long-standing challengesof parenting — keeping your children safe, meeting their needs, the division of labour, time constraints — aren't unique to thisgeneration, note expertsincluding the surgeon general.

But severalstudiesin recent years have noted some new pressures. For example, there are more women working full-time,but women stillconsistently take on a larger share of unpaid household work, including chores and child care.

At the same time, parents are spending more time with their children each day than previous generations,according to Pew Research.

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The Economist calculated in 2017 that parents spend twice as much time with their children as parents did in the 1960s.

Society hasn't been successful in supporting parenting young children, said Lisa Strohschein, a sociology professor at the University of Alberta and the editor-in-chief of the journal Canadian Studies in Population.

This is true whether you consider the number of spaces where children (or their noise) aren't welcome, or whether you look more broadly atthe reality of the school day being shorter than the average workday,Strohscheintold CBC News.

That said, shequestions the statisticcited in the surgeon general's report that 70 per cent of parents say parenting now is more difficult thanit was 20 years ago.

There just isn't the definitive data to support that,Strohscheinadded.

"Of course, parents are going to sayit's harder today."

One issue may be the framing of it, she said, where we believe that our children'ssuccess depends on how we parent them, and the idea that there's one (best) way to parent every child.

"This is now creating these mental health criseswhere people feel that they're not doing enough, or that they're not successful, or that they're in danger of not succeedingand it seems like arecipe for trouble,"Strohscheinsaid.

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'Barely hanging on'

Romanowskiagrees the advisory is long overdue — and somewhatbittersweet.

"It was about time, that'swhat I thought. We should have been talking about this 20 years ago,"Romanowski told CBC. "It's almost like it's so far gone that his recommendations barely scratch thesurface."

Fidelia Cabrera, a mom of four living in Ottawa, says she thinks part of the stress is how much parents are over-scheduled. There's never enough time, everything always feelsrushed, and you feel like you're never doing things right, she told CBC as she was leaving a meeting at her child'sschool.

"You want to give so muchof yourself, but at the same time, where are the moments for yourself?" she said.

The parents Romanowski works with generally have one or two fairly typical children, good jobs,partners and co-parents, nice houses in good neighbourhoodsandstill feel like they're barely making it,shesaid.

"Physically they look like they're fine. On paper, they look great. But the everyday reality, living day inand day out with children ... they're barely hanging on."